Don’t Panic, You Can Do This. [dream recording 1.10.19]

Last night I dreamed there was a very small, newborn baby girl with tan skin who was rolling down an escalator. Unconscious.

For some reason I was in a shopping mall type environment, which is strange to me because I had another dream recently where I was at a boarding school, and the school looked like a mall where the stores were the classrooms and the food court was the cafeteria- I never go to malls.

So the baby was there, rolling, and there were tons of bystanders and nobody did a thing. There were people above her on the escalator. This boy on the escalator below her just stared at her and was about to kick her. I Started SCREAMING and jumped On The escalator pushing people out of the way and grabbed her. There was a group of people gathered looking at the scene I was making and I was screaming for people to call 911 and nobody was. Like, people had their phones out but every one was just so slow moving it was awful.

So when I snatched up the baby she was having the shallowest breaths. Like she had labored breathing and was clearly struggling but was not conscious, eyes closed, barely moving at all. I ran to my car I got in my car and was driving, racing to an emergency room. It was dark out, and my phone was malfunctioning while I was driving. Then out of nowhere BAM!- another car sideswiped me. I was driving super fast with urgency, and when they hit me, the car turned and ended up flying down a small bridge that ended with a dock.

We flew off the dock and were sinking in the lake. The baby girl lay in my driver seat. I looked at her, looked at the water through the front windshield, and had a quick pause where I basically said to myself, “Don’t panic, you can do this.” I grabbed her and started to roll the window down. I was fumbling with the buttons, water flowed in. As I was trying to look toward the crack to head out, she kept slipping out of my hand. I continued to roll the window down and briefly wondered if anything important was in my car, but there was no time. I had a tiny pang of sadness as I prepared to abandon my beloved vehicle. I firmly grabbed her and held her like a football, cradled to my chest. I took a huge breath,  and started swimming up, up, up, and it seemed like forever. Up, up, up, no breath, running out of air, throat burning, burning, I almost inhaled water without thinking-DONT BREATHE-I told myself. I focused on my one arm swimming with frog kicks, up, up, up, up, AIR!! THANK YOU JESUS!! My head had emerged from the water and breathed air!! I didn’t get trapped in the car and sunk to my death HALLELUJAH!!

We staggered out of the lake in the dark and down a sidewalk area with benches and a parking lot. It was like a typical downtown area in a small town. The baby wasn’t breathing. I set her down on a concrete bench and started screaming at God. WHY. WON’T. YOU. HELP. ME?!?! I screamed so loud it felt like my throat tore. I looked over to the parking lot, there was a station wagon with a light on inside and what looked like a family living in the back. I banged the windows-help me! help my baby!!!!, I screamed with a complete mix of desperation and exasperation.

They.

Laughed.

They said, “That isn’t even a real baby, it’s a doll, go away!”, through the window. NO THIS IS MY BABY and I grabbed the baby and held the baby up to the glass. I mumbled some curse words and went and laid her back down gently on the bench. I said to myself, JUST DO IT JUST DO IT and I took a deep breath. I put my whole mouth over her nostrils and breathed a deep breath into her slowly. I could tell it went in, but barely. Another deep breath. Another and another and she started coughing up yellow foam. It looked like foamy bile. I quickly wiped the bile with my hand, scraped it off my hand onto the edge of the concrete. Another breath, another breath, another breath…

SHE OPENED HER EYES AND GAVE ME A SLIGHT SMILE AND STARTED BREATHING!!

I wiped all the yellow foam off of her mouth grabbed her in my arms screamed HALLELUJAH!!!! and ran across the street where it said CVS clinic and was banging on the locked glass doors. They weren’t open, but there were lights on inside, and I kept banging. A doctor came out with her purse ready to head home and let me in when she saw my weak looking baby. She was concerned and I blurted out the story and we headed back, this was looking like the urgent care I went to recently.

My dream FLASHED forward and I was sitting outside somewhere in the daytime. Everything was moving slow motion. The beautiful swaying green grass and little yellow dandelions, the sun beaming through big fluffy clouds. The warmth caressed the skin on my bare arms, the cooling breeze hit my neck.

I thought about how much I loved my baby, how amazing it was that we survived. I was having like a spiritual experience, feelings of absolute euphoria. A little girl beside me with straight, long, blonde hair turned and looked me in the eyes with a small smile, her hair spreading around her in the air as she turned. I woke up.