I had a dream the other night where a doctor told me I had a very limited time to live. Soon, it officially became my last day of life. I kept telling myself, this is your last day to live, your last day of life.
I didn’t want to make it into a big deal or upset anyone, so I didn’t really mention it a lot, but I think people were generally aware of the situation. I think they also didn’t want to make it a dramatic affair, I think everyone just wanted to have it be a normal day.
I kept searching for people to spend time with in my friends and family, but everyone had to work. The way it was, it seemed like they were owned by their jobs, they had no options of asking off or not going to work. They looked pained as they told me they couldn’t spend time together with me on this day.
I kept looking for meaningful things to do. There was nothing. The day was generally meaningless. I got coffee, I wrote letters and cards to loved ones. I ate donuts, I cleaned up messes and threw out a lot of things I wouldn’t want people to be stuck with after I was gone. I prayed. I stayed out of the way.
As the day was winding down I sat on my couch and wondered why it was over. I was calm and collected throughout the day, it was a casual event.
I thought of how I would miss my loved ones, but I thought we would all be in heaven soon. So I thought of it more like I was headed out on a trip, and they would each catch up soon enough in their own time.
The thing that struck me was that it was over, I was done, and I had not lived the life I had wanted to. I had not made time for the important moments and people.
I had not organized, and prioritized every shelf, cubby, section of my life and myself. And now I was forced to accept that I would never be able to get more time to do everything, I was finished. It was a gloomy, unsatisfying feeling. I was excited about seeing heaven and spending eternity there with Jesus, but I didn’t feel good about what I had done, and not done, here on Earth. And now I was abandoning everyone and everything and forced to face the truth.
It was evening,the sun had come down, and I was pondering, and eating soup alone in my living room with a lamp on. My dogs weren’t even there.
I was unsatisfied and trying to accept the dissapointments of so many unfinished life projects and ideas and relationships and missions. I felt blank. I felt weak. I felt…. stagnant and plain.
It was uncomfortable, and unsettling, but there was no motivation, because there was nothing more I could do.
I wanted more than anything to feel meaning, to feel purpose, to feel my life was … deep.
And I woke up.