I came home from work today and took an hour nap. I napped because I’m exhausted and run down, my body hurts, I work 13 hours tomorrow, and 35 more hours left in the next 3days. I wanted to prepare myself for that, but also sometimes after a short power nap, I can rejuvenate myself and re-motivate myself. I’m working on some fundraisers for both our adoption and childrens home, trying to keep up with both websites and blogs, also trying to make our house organized and immaculate for our homestudy. We’ve been living here for a year and some things are just now finding a place. Before laying down, I prayed I wouldn’t oversleep through my alarms and sleep too long, because I didn’t want to feel worse or sleep through precious time when I could get a lot accomplished.
Regardless, I just woke from what could have been the most intense dream I’ve ever had.
The majority of the dream was random and chaotic, but somehow my in-laws had pulled together to get my son here. And I saw him, he was there with my ministry partner George, but there was a lot of other family around. Everyone told me to let him get comfortable around the family before we reunite, so I met more of the family without my child seeing me. But then, I couldn’t wait any longer and I approached my son slowly. When I first saw him from the back, he was wearing a white relay for life t shirt I used to have, and sitting on someones lap, he was about the same size as when I met him.
Then when I approached him, walking towards him (trying to walk slow and be calm but my feet started picking up faster and faster and my heart was racing and my head was spinning). He didn’t see me at first, and he was talking to someone else, saying that someone had beat someone, and hit them-and I realized Oh MY GOODNESS HES SPEAKING ENGLISH! but then our eyes met, he had this adorable little smile that I miss so much, and there he was, it was like a moment frozen in time, and I did not see his legs but he was standing on his own and maybe 10-12 inches taller than the last time I saw him. I froze for a brief second when I saw him because he was so precious and handsome, it actually took my breath away and I was so proud. He was wearing a black leather jacket and green pants and had an adorable haircut!
I took a few more steps toward him, but I was so overwhelmed with the feeling that this was the most important moment of my life thus far, that I looked to everyone around me and saw that they had no cameras and I was panicked that nobody would capture this moment! I was a little nervous to embrace him for a few seconds, and I looked behind me, and around me, for a camera, feeling that people were not understanding how monumental this moment seriously was.
Just as I spotted one in someones hands, out of the corner of my eye ( I think it was Jakes brother, or cousin)my child started screaming at the top of his lungs “I WANT MY MAMA!! I WANT MY MAMA!!” like the hardest, most loudest, most intense scream I’ve ever heard from a child, and he crumpled into a sobbing, screaming mess. We were only a few feet apart, but he did not reach for me, he just screamed. I couldn’t wait any longer and I squeezed him in the hardest most intense embrace. I went straight for him and just held on. I held on as if someone was trying to tear him from me, and I couldn’t physically let go. I had the thought, that this was it, I was never letting go of him ever again. It was so loud and crazy and wonderful and comforting, but then I tuned into his words, and he was still crying, “I WaNT MY MAMA! I WANT MY MAMA!” and I thought oh no! is he just repeating these words because hes still crying? Or does he even realize hes still saying it-hes so emotionally overwhelmed, maybe he’s scared- does he- oh no, he wants his REAL mama, and nobody can give that to him, oh no- after all this, we cant give him his real mama! and I pulled back finally, and looked in his eyes, and he looked in mine, and was still screaming I WANT MY MAMA!-
and I realized by looking in his eyes that I was who he wanted, and I was the mama he wanted, and I sobbed hysterically- we sobbed together and gripped eachother like we had just jumped out of an airplane.
Then I woke up.
my alarm went off and I woke up.
and I thanked God for that dream. For getting to see him. And hold him.
And I thanked God that I have a dream.
And I smiled and I cried and I felt at peace and thanked God that even through terrible days like today, I have a dream to work towards and a purpose in life. And that I have SOMETHING to work towards, through all the terrible stuff. I have SOMEONE to work towards, and such a wonderful SOMEONE to look forward to.
God sent me this dream right at the exact moment and day that I needed it, and I am grateful. He knew I was getting lost and down, worn and hopeless. but no more. Thank you Lord for my purpose. Thank you for my dream. asleep and awake. thank you for my son. thank you.
I will see you soon baby : )
Love you forever and ever,
Stephanie Mauvlyn Braun-Hanks
Most days we are smart enough to realize that we are unfathomably blessed- to have so many beautiful people in our lives!!!
Ever since we met this child, we realized our life is a puzzle, and all of the pieces are the people we love and hold onto so dearly. We are currently missing a piece to our puzzle- It’s in Uganda. Appropriately- our current fundraiser is a puzzle piece fundraiser. Each piece represents a $20 donation, and we will write the names of supporters on the back of the pieces. We plan to put the completed puzzle in a double sided frame and hang it in our sons room so we can take it down and see all the names of loved ones who helped us become a family. : ) Why did I just make myself cry? *sigh
Can you help us bring home our missing piece?
You can donate at our youcaring site, or at our etsy listing. Thanks guys, we are beyond excited!
Jacob & Stephanie Hanks : )