There may be pain in the night, but JOY comes in the morning!

2 weeks ago…

We gathered some prayer warriors together through the internet…

and the next morning God had good news for us.

I yelled out HALLELUJAH LORD!!  when I got the news. : )

This whole waiting process, constant illnesses, issues, concerns, broken bones, surgeries… its been exhausting- and most people don’t really want to hear about it. They think its personal, or they don’t want to hear a bummer buzzkill story, they would rather you plaster a fake smile and say “Good, how are you?” and we can all go on with our day.  And then there are so many holidays, occasions, and situations where its hard to talk about people suffering, or yourself suffering, in our culture sometimes it just isn’t done. A lot of people don’t even ask.  A lot of people don’t know what to do or say, and many times I don’t either, being on this side of it.  I’m fine… We’re getting along okay… We’re making it. He’s doing okay. He’s broken again.  We are just fundraising and preparing to be parents…. Right now we are just fundraising.  He’s healing and we are still just fundraising and working…

“Hows it going?”–> It’s going…..

In this fast paced world, people want instant-socialmedia-textmessage-fastfood action.  I’ve been talking about the love of my life for over 2 years and nobody has seen him.  I wasn’t ready to show his picture or officially and publicly show his identity and ask for help for a while…  But then I became ready to do this thing as a community and no longer alone and in secret.  That has been a blessing. But it’s hard to be public about something when everyone wants you to prove it.  They want action and proof and they want it now.  Some people want a full on interview with you “just out of curiosity” and they want to know all his secrets, his past, family history, health profile, and also want to meet him in person- with no interest of donating or being a part of his life! He is a human being, he deserves privacy, respect, and there are boundaries.. but some people do not realize this- and I am thankful, because there will be more intrusions and boundary issues when he is here, and we need to prepare for that.  We have learned a lot!

Now- we have been overwhelmed by many friends, family, old acquaintances, who have had appropriate boundaries and questions, have supported in a variety of generous and surprising ways, but it has just been hard to deal with some of the issues we have run across, when we are hurting deep in our hearts from missing our child, and from having to miss him through all of the hard times here and there, with us, and him, and our ministry, while on 2 separate continents.

I am probably not referring to anyone who would read this blog, so don’t be offended.  I am ETERNALLY grateful to all who have supported us in A VARIETY OF WAYS, and I am in no way saying I wish people would ask me every day about our situation, some people who have treated us with kindness and never even brought it up have been a true support to us and helped us get through even the hardest days, just by treating us like humans, and giving us space to worry, mourn, grieve, process, pray, and sometimes we have NEEDED distractions, to get through hard times, where the next morning, we could look back and see how God was using others (even rude people!) to help us through it.  Just like some days i NEEDED someone to ask about it, or to ask how I am, or to give me food, or to just MAKE ME LAUGH!!! SERIOUSLY. God has worked it all out- If I had a dollar for every time I missed a message with bad news and then received it at the right time when I could handle it, for when nobody asked about it when I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t fire me after being late after another emergency and sleepless night, asked me about it when i needed someone to, made me laugh when i desperately needed it, or was nice when i needed it, or gave me food when I was hungry… well our fundraising page would be lighting up like a Christmas tree! I see it as walking through a dark tunnel and then the  next morning you are at the end of the tunnel and you walk out into the light- God holds my hand every day and guides me through the dark times until the sun shines again. : )

I’ve learned that God is the ONE we can talk to and cry to and yell to and crawl into ANY TIME, ANY OCCASION, ANY DAY- and nothing has comforted me more than this.

We are all humans and we are all deeply flawed.  I can’t expect my husband, my friends, my family, myself, or anyone else to do what only God can do.  The role only He can fulfill for me.

He tells me every day- THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

I realized a year ago on a camping trip- that I have had panic attacks my whole life and just never knew that I was having them.  I never realized what was happening to me, it was just me, just my normal life.  They always happen at night, and I’m almost always alone or surrounded by people that cannot help me (asleep or not understanding the situation ) Now God showed me through one of my best friends- I see them as they are, and I am able to tell myself when I feel one coming, potential for one, or am in the middle of one- I can remind myself… remember how God helped me through all the other ones?  Remember how hard that night was, but how refreshing the next morning was? Remember how you prayed your way through the last one? It is easier now and I have them less- I can recognize easier what my body needs, my heart needs, my soul needs, my mind needs, my life needs, to avoid them more often.

I’ve also evolved to learn that things like nightmares and panic attacks are usually if not always attacks from the enemy.  It is astonishing how every time you really set your eyes on Jesus and start walking toward HIS purposes for your life, demons come swooping in squawking, snatching, and distracting, to waste your time.  TIME IS PRECIOUS. and they want nothing more than to steal it from  you and to get you lost on the wrong path and wasting time, resources, opportunities, and energy.

I CANCEL EVERY EVIL ASSIGNMENT ON THIS ADOPTION, EVERY FINANCIAL BLOCK, EVERY GREEDY PLAN TO DESTROY OUR FAMILY, MINISTRY, LOVED ONES, LIFE PURPOSES AND HEALTH IN JESUS HOLY MAGNIFICENT NAME.  NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER AND NO ATTACKS WILL CAUSE HARM TO US AND THE PEOPLE WE LOVE IN JESUS HOLY HOLY HOLY PURE AND WONDERFUL NAME- MY LORD AND SAVIOR! I BEG IN JESUS HOLY  NAME FOR PROVISION,PROTECTION AND GUIDANCE ON THIS ADOPTION, FAMILY, AND MINISTRY JOURNEY! MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE LORD, WE ARE TRUSTING IN YOU ALONE! AMEN!!