I could have never imagined you.

 

I couldn’t sleep tonight/this morning, ( business as usual for me ) and I just stared into pictures of my son and held my breath while my eyes filled up and I prayed and prayed desperate prayers.  I have avoided this blog and writing because it’s so hard to put such strong emotions and thoughts into words, sometimes it’s easier to just hold them all inside until I burst, and then start over.  I was praying and crying and I cried to God about how its so hard to feel all of this and hold it inside with no way to release it and I said, ” God what can I do?”, and he said ” Just write.”  So I did.

Baby…

I miss you.  and I am SO PROUD OF YOU.  you are like.. the strongest guy ever.  and I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through.  I wish I could take every hurt, every tear, every injustice and just absorb it all onto and into myself so that you would never feel pain. or sadness. or fear. or loneliness. or broken.. literally.  I love you with all of my soul.  Every atom, every molecule.  It doesn’t even make sense, but its true- I do.  I was telling someone earlier that I can feel it in my blood that this whole thing is gonna happen soon!  I looked at the words I had typed and thought- how strange that I can feel it in my blood?  But I dO! I guess that’s how love works sweetheart.  It just IS. and it just DOES.  I mean… I’m just amazed by you.  You are unreal to me sometimes. I could have never imagined you.  But there you are.  all the way over there.  And now that you are so much more than I could have imagined, you are out of my reach.  But I’m praying your you baby, and I’m thinking about you all the time.

There is a hole in my heart.  See, for a short while in my life I tried to forget about God, and I had this God shaped/Jesus Shaped hole in my heart, but then He found me again, well I found Him, even though he was always there, and that hole got filled back in.  The hole in my soul.  I became whole again.  my life took on new purpose and meaning.  and the world was a whole new world, and my life transformed before my eyes, real slow, but real fast, into a whole new world.  and baby, wouldn’t you know it the same thing happened with you.

One minute I was just me, and then there was you.  and we became we.  and us.  Jake was just Jake, and then there was me, his life transformed and then there was you, his life transformed and now were us.  A family.  A separated family.

Honey I can’t breathe sometimes when I think of you, I can’t breathe when I look at pictures.. your eyes.. It’s hard to move and I always noticed I’m holding my breath and clenched up because I just MISS you.  It’s so hard to find a piece of your soul, one of your soulmates in life, and then you are so happy you found them and then y’all cry and you have to wait years to see them again. I mean…. why is time so fast, but so slow.  I’m waiting a lifetime to be with you, but years just flew by.

We got married, and man I wanted you at that wedding.  I really did!  I wanted you to have a little matching tie and everything.  you woulda been the cutest thing!  I woulda scooped you up for a dance or two.  Or 10  : )

Look at you baby you are growing up! and you are so STRONG! I’m so proud!!! You make me proud to even know you! But then you call me mom?!?!

What in the world have I ever done in my life to deserve that honor? sweetheart I can’t believe you are real and God loves us so much.  I mean… the things we have been through?!  I can’t even explain to people!

You are doing so good hanging in there- please just know that you are all we talk about!

I’m a mess, because I need my sidekick!  It’s like it’s hard to eat… because I want you to be there, and It’s hard to sleep, because I want to know you are sleeping safely here.  I’m so happy that we met and I can’t even imagine the joy that awaits us when we see each other again!  I am counting down baby!

It’s so hard to me to have met you, loved you, seen you, held you, carried you around…. I heard your adorable laugh and giggles and they echo in my mind throughout the day!  Remember how you would push the keyboard keys and buttons and remember when we sat there eating cokes and bananas together?  Remember when you climbed that tree?  Remember when you thought that soap was oil and rubbed it allover your head?  I knew you were mine the whole time.  You are crazy like me, you are free like me, and you are a little adventurer like me.  This family is gonna be an adventure like this worlds never seen!  I can’t even talk about it, I can only dream- It’s too big of a dream to put into words, and it will just make me cry!!!

Baby I heard that you’ve been telling all your friends that your mama is coming for you- guess what? I’ve been telling all my friends I’m going to get my son!  I’ve been saying it everyday.  There is a lot of cool people over here for you to meet, but don’t worry, we will be in Uganda plenty, it will be our second home.

My life changed when I met you, the moment I first laid eyes on you…. is burned in my brain!  There you were- and I felt deep down in my soul, it was like the world got quiet, and I zoomed in on your little face, and I froze, and I thought to myself, this is an important moment, and I asked if I could take your picture.  And you did that little eyebrow thing you do that I love- and the rest is history!  I’ve been doing that eyebrow thing ever since I met you, I never stopped and I don’t want to.  When you get here we can raise our eyebrows at each other all the time and communicate silently and nobody will know what we are doing : )

I just love you.  I truly, deeply do.  you are a part of me now, I carry you with me every day.  When I get to see you and hear you and hold you and play and laugh and eat and sing and talk with you again, it will be nothing short of a miracle and tremendous gift from God.

I hope you are ready for an adventure my best friend, because boy do we have one for ya!  Between me and Jake and our two crazy dogs, and whatever kids come along after you, its gonna be one heck of a ride lemme tell ya!  You will ALWAYS be entertained!  So bring that precious laugh of yours because I’m gonna need it!  I have so many activities planned!  So many places to go, so many things to cook and eat, so many things to do and make- but most of all I look forward to the simple things.  Reading you bedtime stories, playing in the backyard, listening to you learn English,  teaching you about the plants and animals we have here, praying with you, and baby! We have so much family here! You will love them!  They grill burgers and make homemade ice cream!  They have horses and cows, dogs and cats!  We can roll around in their living room floors watching cartoons and playing with toys and laughing!

Sweetheart, they are so kind, and loving, and FUN, you will love them, were gonna have a real blast.

I just can’t wait.

seems like I say that every other minute.

I can’t wait- but I’m waiting honey.  you are worth every single second, and every single struggle.  You are a blessing, and a reward.  I am so happy to be your mom and I am so happy that you are excited about it and waiting on me!

God is workin!

Hes been workin this whole time, and look at us, we’ve made it!  We have made it so far.

I can’t even believe it sometimes when I look at all that has happened.  It can’t even be explained. It’s just God.

We have come so far for so long and God’s not stopping now.  I can’t wait for the next thing. and the next. and the next.  When I see your face…. I’m probably just gonna cry and squeeze you and burst into laughter and cry some more and just stare at you and smile and laugh and cry… all at once, for the first 5 years.  And maybe then some after that.  I’m really sorry about that in advance, but you are my little miracle child, what do you expect me to do?!

You are a miracle! You are a strong, brave, courageous warrior! You are MY miracle, and you are MY warrior!  We love you and we appreciate you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will be!

We are over here shouting off mountain tops about how much we love you!! (Okay we haven’t made it to the mountains yet, but there have been countless times riding down the highway shouting out about how were coming for you! [okay I was the only one doing that!] every time an airplane passes over head or we get a donation!)

I miss you so much I miss sweaty, smelly airports.  I miss you so much I can’t even sleep.  Can you just hurry up and get over here so we can go camping?! I cant wait to see you my handsome little buddy!

and Jake … hes been missing you like crazy!  He needs his little friend to help him with all these projects around the house and in the yard.  Hes been working so hard to get you here- we’ve been working our butts off- in Jakes case, literally, but seriously though- you are the real MVP! Nobody has been working as hard as you have!  You are SO STRONG!  OUR HERO!

Well I’m working about 13 hours today, I’m gonna serve up some coffees all morning, then serve up some fruit bowls this afternoon and evening, and when I get home late tonight I’m gonna work on cleaning up this house and working on some fundraiser stuff so we can get you here faster!

But while I’m serving coffees, I’m gonna be wishing I could be feeding you a hot chocolate and a bagel and working on that English.  When I’m chopping fruit tonight- I’m gonna be remembering eating bananas with you, thinking about how I know you would love acai bowls, and imagining how your face will look the first time you see a kiwi. Tonight when I get home I’m gonna wonder what you will think of our dogs, when I flip the laundry I will look forward to seeing your tiny little adventure clothes inside, and when I get in bed I’m gonna imagine helping you brush your teeth and reading to you and kissing you goodnight and praying for you and snuggling.

You are something else you know that?  You are halfway across the globe and you are the highlight of my life.

The clock is ticking, and baby I’m gonna see you soon!

God is in control! And if I have learned anything in this life- it’s that love always wins! and we will be reunited my love, one day soon! God will finish what he has started!

Baby I’m gonna take you to the beach one day.  we can make sandcastles.  Then I’m gonna take you to the mountains.  We can make snow angels.  Then we are gonna take you to ALASKA! and MEXICO!  and were gonna be explorers! We are gonna go exploring this world with Jesus and we are gonna conquer, and we are gonna warm hearts and save souls.

Aint no stopping us now!

I do believe we’ve been through the worst of it and we will continue to survive and thrive!

Baby be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt again.  and be patient, you are doing great!  you have done so good with every thing that has come your way.  You are gonna be a great man one day.  You are already well on your way. God is shaping you perfectly. Hang in there, we are coming, we love you, and we are praying for you.

Love you ALWAYS AND FOREVER AND EVER AND EVERRR,

MOM xoxoxoxoxoxo